Children’s Reactions to Tension Around Finances
How your children adjust to your separation is directly related to how you are adjusting. A child’s greatest fear in separation is being abandoned. Your child’s basic sense of safety and security depends on having confidence in their parents’ commitment to provide support.
During separation and divorce children often witness a great deal of emotion around money. This can affect their sense of safety and security. Common reactions are anxiety, fear, resentment and anger.
Birth to 18 months
Children from Birth to 18 months are able to detect tension between their parents, but they cannot understand the reasoning behind the conflict. If tension continues the child may appear to be nervous, especially around new people.
Mother: You’d better make sure you have a car seat when you come to pick up Brian on Saturday.”
Father: “Do you know how much those things cost? I can’t afford to get one by Saturday. Why can’t I just use yours?”
Mother: “That’s typical. You’ve got money to go out with your buddies after work but not enough to buy necessities for your son.
Here are some remedies:
- Don’t fight in front of the child.
- Reduce the child’s startle reflex caused by exposure to loud voices and expressions of anger.
18 months to 5 years
Children from 18 months to 5 years realize that they are separate entities from their parents. Often separation involves changes in residence, preschool or childcare providers. There may be changes in routines because of available finances. Children need predictability and a stable environment.
Here’s an example…
Father: “Let’s go, Kelly. I have to drop you off before I go to work.”
Kelly: “Do you have to go to work? I like it when you stay home.”
Father: “Sorry, sweetie. I have to go to work to earn money.”
Kelly: “I have some money. You can have it.”
Father: “No, sweetie, I’m afraid it’s not enough. Daddy has to go to work, but I’ll see you on the weekend.”
Kelly: “Daddy, I don’t feel well. I don’t think I can go. Please let me stay with you.”
Father: “Kelly, you’re fine. Now hurry up or I’m going to be late.”
Changes in the environment can be very difficult for children at this age. They may react by insisting their immediate needs be met, even if there is tension at home. They may vie for a parent’s attention at a time when the parent may no longer have the same amount of time to give the child because of new responsibilities, emotions, or stress.
At this age a child’s world is centered on itself, but they are aware of tension in the environment. A child will react to emotions, and perceived threats to their security, for example, a parent who is upset and crying; a parent who is yelling; a parent leaving angry without the normal goodbye routines – with physical regression, for example, bedwetting – and emotional regression, for example, becoming more “clingy”, unable to sleep in own bed, having nightmares.
Here are some remedies:
- Develop and keep to a routine.
- Reduce the number of changes in the child’s world.
- Limit the number of transitions.
- Do not show tenseness with actions.
- Don’t fight in front of the child.
- Look to friends and family to spend some time with the child.
- Read books to your child to illustrate what is happening.
- Encourage your child to talk.
6 - 11 years old
Children from 6 – 11 years are developing strong friendships. They understand loss when separation occurs. They are also able to recognize the changes resulting from your separation. Children may have to cope with changes to residence, school, and childcare providers, which may affect their ability to continue activities or relationships with friends.
Here are a couple examples…
Sandy: “Mom, are we going to be okay?”
Mother: “Of course we are. You don’t need to worry.”
Sandy: “You know I don’t have to go to summer camp this year.”
Father: “How was your weekend?”
Jim: “Great! Mom bought me a new pair of runners. They cost $160 but mom said I was worth it.”
Father: “But I just bought you a new pair of runners a few weeks ago. What’s wrong with them?”
Jim: “Nothing. I just wanted new ones.”
They may have to cope with changes to routine because there isn’t the same amount of money, for example, you may not be able to register your child in the next swimming lesson, or your children may not go to the summer camp they were accustomed to going to.
Even relatively small financial worries can build up to a breaking point in a child’s mind, producing erratic outbursts, tears and periods of tiredness. There may be less money for toys or food at home, leading to the child hoarding toys or food.
When children witness their parent’s fear, anger or distress over lack of money, they may react with physical and/or emotional regression. They may hear the word “no” more often to do with money matters – toys, treats, special events – and react with attention-getting behaviour and self-centered behaviour.
They may react to competition between their parents over money by playing one parent against the other for bigger “rewards.” They may experience feelings of abandonment after overhearing negative comments about the other parent’s lack of financial support.
Here are some remedies:
- Remove all conflict from the child’s presence. Don’t fight in front of the child.
- Don’t show your anger at your child’s other parent, or their spending habits.
- Don’t make negative comments about your child’s other parent and money matters, either in person or over the phone.
- Explain changes in routine simply and without drama, without laying blame.
- Allow the child time to adjust to new things.
- Develop a financial plan to deal with the children’s needs.
- Establish a formal financial agreement with the other parent to address the children’s expenses.
- Communicate with your child’s other parent about on-going and unexpected expenses.
- Avoid getting into a competitive, over-compensating cycle with the other parent.
- Encourage your child to talk to you about their fears or worries.
Adolescents 11-18 years
Adolescents 11 – 18 years are very aware of what is going on in their parents’ lives, including separation. Not only are they aware of what surrounds them, they are also very critical about the situation. Adolescents are more conscious about being different from their peers, and how these differences are accentuated.
Mother: “I know you’d really like to have friends over for a birthday party, but the landlord upstairs wouldn’t approve.”
Ken: “You know how much I was looking forward to a birthday party. Why did we have to sell our home? Why couldn’t you and dad just try a little harder to get along?”
Dad: “Katie, I’ve got tickets for the two of us to go to a concert on your birthday.”
Katie: “But mom is taking me out for a birthday dinner with my friends.”
Dad: “I’m sure your mom can make reservations for another night. Let’s go to the concert”
Katie: “Maybe you could change your tickets. Mom’s already made the reservation.”
Dad: “I can try. But I really wanted to take you on your birthday
Adolescents are embarrassed by their parents’ separation and are resentful of how it affects their lives. Changes in finances hit teenagers very hard. Adolescents are easily caught in the middle. Adolescents can develop serious psychological problems as a result of a poisonous, emotional atmosphere.
Here are some remedies:
- Talk to your adolescent about changes in your financial situation.
- Be honest about your financial situation. If adolescents are constantly told “no” or there are big discussions about expenditures it adversely affects the relationship between you and your teen.
- Talk to your adolescent about budgeting and money management. Help your teen understand planning, so they can maximize their funds to select items that their budget allows.
- Don’t use adolescents as messengers about money.
- Share your adolescent’s financial concerns with the other parent and brainstorm solutions.
- Non-residential parents should try to introduce their adolescents to the parent’s own normal living conditions rather than take them to “special” places when they visit.
- Encourage adolescents to participate in money management – earning money, saving money, comparing earnings and expenses.