High Conflict Communications
Sometimes the people that you have to deal with become angry easily, lay blame quickly or act in a way that makes it very difficult to resolve conflict with them. When the conflict is too high it becomes hard to have productive conversations. If you feel unsafe in any way communicating with your former spouse you may need help from a professional.
Attention
If violence is an issue, get help from VictimLinkBC.
Techniques for High Confliction Communication
1. Know you can’t change them
Things become easier when you realize that you have no control over the thoughts, behaviour and actions of the other person. The best approach is to focus on your own words and actions. Don’t get drawn into the conflict the other person brings. Accept that the other person brings conflict. Have the patience to get around it and the determination to get beyond it. Make sure that your own words and actions help the conversation move forward.
2. Notice and accept automatic reactions
When faced with anger, insults, manipulation, or lies, natural reactions include lashing back, losing hope and wanting to give up. These reactions are understandable and natural. It is important to notice and accept these automatic reactions as they happen. Noticing and accepting our automatic reactions gives us some extra space to replace automatic reactions with communication techniques that are more likely to be helpful.
These are the times to pause and refocus the conversation. Use “I” statements to connect your feelings and the other person’s actions. Sometimes you should just let it go and move on. Sometimes you should take a break.
3. Don’t mirror
Try not to respond to angry or hurtful comments that are aimed at you. Filter those out and focus on what is relevant to the topic you are discussing. Your former spouse may be agitating you, provoking you to blow up. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Instead, stay calm and use a calm tone. Anger can be disarmed when met with patience and calm.
Remind yourself that the other person’s actions are a reflection of what they are going through. This isn’t easy for anyone.
Strategies for High Conflict Communications
The table below provides a series of strategies for dealing with high conflict and it provides examples of what to say.
| Strategy | Examples of what to say |
|---|---|
| Summarize their main point in neutral words | “What I hear you saying is that you don’t want Shawn to take piano lessons because you feel they aren’t useful.” |
| Acknowledge their feelings | “I hear you loud and clear. You are fed up with this.” “I understand that you are feeling hurt…” |
| Focus them back on the topic that you are discussing | “I understand that you have a lot to say about my lawyer. Right now I would like us to focus on discussing the piano lessons.” |
| Ask for a chance to explain what is important to you | “We still have to make a decision about this. I would like a chance to talk about why I think the piano lessons are important. Could you please give me just 2 minutes?” |
| Ask them to suggest a solution | “So what do you suggest?” “How do you think we can work this out?” |
Acknowledge their suggestion and
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DIY
Fill in the Communication Worksheet to help you be better prepared when you are in high conflict communications.
