Communication Pitfalls
Communication pitfalls are ways of talking which do not advance the conversation and in fact, make things worse. Because speaking with your former spouse can be emotional it’s easy to get caught by one of the pitfalls.
Common Pitfalls
| Pitfall | Example |
|---|---|
| Blaming | “It’s all your fault. We’re here because of you.” |
| Discounting | “That’s ridiculous. It makes no sense.” |
| Judging | “You are being very selfish.” |
| Psychologizing | “You don’t really want the kids. You just want to get even with me.” |
| Ultimatums/threats | “Either you do it this way or I walk.” |
| Cutting off | “Tell your lawyer to call my lawyer” |
| Labeling | “You’re such a jerk” |
Ways to Avoid the Pitfalls
- Familiarize yourself: Be familiar with the pitfalls ahead of time. Knowing what not to do will help you avoid doing it.
- Take a time out: It’s okay to pause and refocus the conversation. Decide to focus on the issue and not on your former spouse’s behaviour.
- Stop, acknowledge, and apologize: If you fall into a communication pitfall stop, acknowledge and apologize. It’s not too late to recover and get back on track. Move forward by refocusing the conversation on the issues.
- Express yourself: If you find yourself on the receiving end of these behaviours let them know what is happening for you and what you need to continue the conversation. E.g. “When you say I am being ridiculous, I feel hurt and angry and I can’t keep talking to you. If you want to continue, I need you to stop saying that.”
Mediator’s Tips
Remember that this is a difficult situation for both of you, and you both might make mistakes in communicating with each other.
Communication Do’s and Don’ts
Last Reviewed:March, 2024
Reviewed by:JES
