Good Communication Techniques

Active Listening

As strange as it may seem, half of communicating is listening. Active listening is more than just hearing what is said.

Guidelines to active listening:

• Reflect Feelings: Pay attention to the feelings of the speaker and let them know you have heard and recognized them. For example, “I get that you are really angry about...”
• Reflect Content: Let the speaker know you have heard what they are saying by reflecting back their words. For example, “If I understand, you see the new middle school as a place where the children could get a good education and you think the extra 20 minute commute is worth it because of the educational opportunities it could provide.”
• Use Open Questions: Ask the speaker open-ended questions beginning with: tell me, describe, what, or how.
• Use Summarization: Summarize the feelings and content you have heard. For example, “In other words…”

Body Language

Sometimes you give off messages without saying a word. Even when you avoid saying anything negative, your body language, such as crossed arms or rolling of the eyes, can send the speaker the message that you are not interested in what they have to say. Pay attention to your body, and don’t let your body language undercut your efforts to communicate positively.

When you are communicating, do a self-check to make sure you are not derailing your conversation by giving off negative body language. For your self-check just remember your SELF:

Spine –Your spine is straight and you’re not slouching

Eyes- you are maintaining eye contact, not rolling your eyes

Legs – Not fidgeting or tapping your feet

Fingers – Neutral hands, not crossing arms or clenching fists or pointing

Negative body language to avoid:

Stay Issue Focused

Set out what you are going to discuss and stay on topic. E.g. If you and your former spouse are talking about paying for your son’s soccer team fees, don’t get into dialogue about how they don’t go to watch enough games. The goal of the conversation is to sort out how the team fees are to be paid.

If the other person is getting off course, refocus them by acknowledging you have heard what they are saying but that you want to work this issue out, before moving on to other issues.

Refocusing phrases

• “I hear what you’re saying about ________. Could we talk about that after we have discussed _________.”
• “I’m sorry. I’m getting us off topic. Let’s get back to talking about _________.”
• “We agreed to talk about ______. Let’s leave the conversation about _________ for another day. OK?”
• “I know it’s complicated, but we really need to find a solution about ______.”

Communication Channels

Face to face communication is not always the best way to communicate. When stress and emotions are high, meeting in person may make it more difficult to reach agreement. You can choose to communicate in a different way, like by video call, telephone, e-mail, or by texting. Choosing the right communication channel will depend on you and your former spouse, plus the nature of the information to be shared.

For example, if there are a lot of emotions attached to a particular topic, it might be easier to talk about it over the phone. Or, to exchange specific, detailed information, an email might work best. That way, you can attach receipts, contracts or other documents. Plus, the email creates a written record of your exchange. You can refer to it later, as necessary.