Managing Emotions
At the end of a relationship, it is normal to feel a range of emotions such as sadness, anger, resentment, or guilt. Usually, we cannot choose how we feel, but we can choose how we respond to those feelings.
There are two sides of separation: an emotional side and a legal side. If you are not able to manage your emotions they can cloud your judgment about your separation. You should not, however, ignore your emotions. They are very real and very healthy responses to stressful events in your life. Learning strategies to manage emotions is important and can help you move on.
Mediator’s Tips
People make bad decisions when they are emotional.
Never make important decisions or sign anything when you are feeling strong emotions.
5 Strategies to Avoid Getting Emotionally Stuck
If you get emotionally stuck, you are prevented from making rational decisions and communicating effectively. That’s a problem you don’t want to have.
1. Be Prepared
Separating means new situations that you probably had not planned for. There are going to be some new roles and responsibilities for both of you. It’s hard to respond to changes that you have not thought about or ideas that were never considered before. It might feel that all these new things are being thrown at you.
As you consider the key issues and how things might go, also think about your emotions. What makes you upset? What might cause you to be emotional? Write down the toughest, most upsetting questions or topics that might come up. Think about how you could answer in a calm way. Practice your answers to those questions. Be ready to respond politely and calmly, no matter how aggressively the other party is behaving.
2. Avoid Conflict and Stress
You can be strategic with your communications. For example, you might create an agenda where, in the first meetings to settle things, you will only talk about the key issues with the least conflict.
It’s probably not worth bringing up the baggage of the past to arrive at a conflict in the present. Sometimes you might need to ask yourself: “Is it worth it?” If seeing your former spouse gets you worked up, perhaps you can agree to discuss things by email, if that works for you.
In your own life, try to focus on reducing the stresses that you have control over. For example if being late stresses you out, reduce this stress by waking up a little earlier in the morning or packing your bag the night before. If you are someone that edgy if you don’t eat on time, be prepared and make sure you get the nutrition you need.
3. Refocus and Stay Active
Dwelling on negative emotions is not healthy. Instead, find something else to think about or do. Distract your attention and refocus. For example, try out a new hobby or take a class you always wanted to. Simple things like going for a walk, calling a friend or even diving into a TV show can make a real difference. Clearing your head by focusing on other things can help you avoid a downward emotional spiral. One of the ways to refocus is to get active. Go for a bike ride, hit the gym or swim some laps.
4. Talk to People You Trust
Talk to friends and family and let them know how you feel about what is happening. Express yourself and your feelings freely and have them help you cope with your feelings by discussing them together. Letting your feelings out might help you deal with your emotions when they are triggered later on.
5. Get Help From a Professional Negotiator
When it comes to negotiating complex issues, having a third person present can help settle deadlock. There are professionals who can facilitate tough discussions between you and your former spouse.
Mediators, collaborative lawyers and Family Justice Counsellors have specialized training in conflict resolution. See Getting Help for more detail.
Resources
Separation can be emotionally difficult for more tips on how to deal with these emotions see Family Law in BC’s Coping with Separation Handbook.
5 Steps to Managing Your Emotions
Sometimes you can’t help but get emotional. Emotions can often get in the way of negotiating. Here is what you need to do to stay on track and handle those emotions.
1. Be aware and label your emotions
Do you feel yourself getting upset? Recognize the signs that you are losing control and why it is happening to you. Label your emotions whether you are mad or frustrated or happy.
2. Stop what you are doing
When you feel emotions starting to buildup, pause and breathe. Take a moment for yourself, so that your emotions do not escalate. If you are in a meeting, step away. If people are waiting for you to speak, ask for a moment to collect your thoughts. Give yourself the space and time to recover.
3. Refocus on the task at hand
Refocus on what you are trying to accomplish. Think about your goals and how you can achieve them.
4. Choose how to react
Use your discretion. Is the other party trying to provoke you? Maybe you should ignore it. Is the other party asking a tough question that is upsetting you? Answer it diplomatically instead of increasing tensions.
5. Identify your triggers
Triggers, also called hot buttons, are what set you off. It can be a certain topic, word or behaviour that someone brings up or does that you have a strong emotional reaction to. For instance, just the mention of an event from your past such as a failed vacation can bring up feelings of anger. By identifying your triggers before they occur, you are better equipped to avoid them or prevent them from pushing you into emotional turmoil.
DIY
To help you manage your emotions try the My Triggers Worksheet, and the Managing Emotions Worksheet.
