It is important to start on the right foot. If you go in using charged language you’re already setting yourself up for a fight. The way you frame the issues should be in neutral language. Stay away from blaming the other person. A good trick is to frame the issue without using the word “you”.

• Don’t say: I want to talk about how you’re always late for pickups. 
• Instead: I want to talk about pickup times.

Sometimes communication breaks down because the way you express your thoughts and feelings causes the listener to react emotionally. The way we naturally react to emotional conversations might not be the best for agreement building with a former spouse. By learning to rephrase your language you can avoid communication pitfalls and develop a healthier more productive way of communicating.

Ways to Rephrase Language 

• Make requests. Instead of making statements, which can be misinterpreted as demands, try framing as much as you can as requests. 
  • Don’t Say: “You should pick the kids up at school and drive them to piano lessons.“ 
  • Instead: "Would you be willing to pick the kids up..?" or “Can we try having you pick them up..?” 
• Keep conversations issue-focused. You can control the content of your communication. Never let a discussion with your ex-partner become a conversation about past irrelevant events. 
  • Don’t Say: “You didn’t even want to buy the car. You never used it, I should get to keep it. 
  • Instead: “We need to figure out a way to deal with the car. I would like to keep it because I need to drive the kids to school. What do you think we should do with the car?” 
• Use “I” Statements. This is a powerful technique that lets you express your emotions and connect them with the actions of the other person. An “I” statement says how you feel and describes the condition that makes you feel that way and why it causes emotion. It starts with an “I”, includes a feeling and provides details of why you feel that way. 
  • Don’t Say: “You never listen to me. 
  • Instead: “I feel isolated when you don’t acknowledge what I’m saying.”

Many people find that thinking of their co-parenting relationship as a business relationship helps to keep communication positive. You are both working together as partners in the “business” of raising the children. Many parents find that they have a common goal of raising their children to be happy, healthy, and functional adults. Focusing on this goal helps keep communications business-like. 

If children are not involved, or if there are continuing issues in addition to your children, try to agree on mutual goals to ensure that you will have a focal point for your communications. Many people fail at communicating because they fail to change from an intimate partner relationship to a business-like relationship.

If you were going to make a business presentation or meet with a challenging client, you would prepare for the session. Take this same approach when it comes to negotiating a settlement agreement with your former spouse. 

Before you have a difficult conversation, think about what you want to say, and how you’re going to say it. Make an outline of the key points and provide an explanation about why each one is important. Have an agenda. Think about how you can stay focused on moving towards positive outcomes. It’s a good idea to consider your listener and how they might react. Think about the key conflicts points carefully and be ready with strong reasons that explain your position. When an objection comes up, have an answer ready.